11月高考现场高分作文及点评新鲜 24页

重磅|2017年11月高考现场高分作文及点评新鲜出炉！应用文12+/续写20+（附2017年11月浙江新高考英语试卷原题）‎ 原创 2017-11-07 Carrie Wang 私家英语资源库 ‎ 2017年10月26日，距离浙江省2018届第一次高考一周，我们平台发布了各种应用文类型。在这篇推文里面有应用文评分原则，以及有关邀请信的写法。‎ 收藏|高考英语必考|12种应用文高分范文全汇总！附《考试说明》中应用文的评分原则 今天推出的作文由优秀考生考后根据回忆整理而成。感谢我们精英群里的老师提供第一手资料！感谢我的朋友们！感谢资源库的志愿者们提供第一手资料！谢谢分享！‎ 先从评分标准开始，然后提供原文，思路解读，作品展示，评析，欢迎吐槽。（应用文比较简单，不进行思路分析了。）‎ 文章有点长，应用文两篇。续写四篇。每篇有点评。后附一些拓展素材，如细节描写等。由于时间仓促，能力有限，不当之处，敬请谅解。‎ 应用文评分原则:‎ 本题总分为15 分，按以下5 个档次给分。评分时，先根据文章的内容和语言初步确定其所属档次，然后以该档次的要求来衡量，确定或调整档次，最后给分。‎ 第一档：（1—3 分）只能写出一两个要点；语言错误很多，只有个别句子正确；‎ 第二档：（4—6 分）能写出部分要点；语言错误多，影响意思表达；‎ 第三档：（7—9 分）能写明基本要点；语言虽有较多错误，但能基本达意；‎ 第四档：（10—12 分）能写明全部或绝大部分要点；语言有少量错误；行文不够连贯，表达基本清楚；‎ 第五档：（13—15 分）能写明全部要点；语言基本无误；行文连贯，表达清楚。‎ ‎3．词数少于60 和多于100 的，从总分中减去2 分。‎ ‎4．评分时，应注意的主要内容为：时态、人称、内容要点、应用词汇和语法结构的数量和准确性、上下文的连贯性及语言的得体性。‎ ‎5．拼写与标点符号是语言准确性的一个方面，评分时，应视其对交际的影响程度予以考虑。英、美拼写及词汇用法均可接受。‎ ‎6．如书写较差，以至影响交际，将分数降低一个档次。‎ 邀请信四要素 ‎1. 开篇点题，发出邀请。‎ ‎2. 介绍邀请参加的活动（内容、地点、时间、注意事项）‎ ‎3. 夸赞对方。希望得到回复。‎ ‎4. 再次发出邀请。‎ ‎【优秀句式】‎ ‎1. I’m writing to tell you that we intend to... and I sincerely invite you to go with us on behalf of our class.‎ ‎2. You may equip yourself with a camera to record the beautiful scenery and an umbrella or a raincoat is also necessary in case you are caught in a rain.  3. Your participation can surely add color to our trip and we are all looking forward to your involvement.‎ 应用文原题大意 第四部分  写作（共两节，满分40分） 第一节  应用文写作（满分15分）‎ ‎    假如你是李华，你们学校的外教Mr. Hall寒假不回国。你打算邀请他去你家里一起过春节。 文章内容需包含以下要点：‎ 1. 时间 ‎ 2. 3. ‎ 一同过节的家人 ‎ 4. 5. 活动 6. 注意： 1.词数80左右； 2.可以适当增加细节，以使行文连贯。‎ 优秀学生现场作文1‎ Dear Mr. Hall,‎ ‎ I hear that you’re not going to go back to your country in the coming winter vocation,so I’m writing to invite you to spend the Spring Festival with my family together.‎ ‎  If you considerately accept my invitation, I’ll ask my parents to pick you up next Monday and drive you straight to my house where my brother,sister and grandparents will all be in.Spring Festival plays a significant role in every Chinese’ life,so various activities are indispensable in adding flavor to the festival. We’ll have a big feast together,gathering around the table and praying for next year’s good luck.After the meal,a lucky charm and a red pocket which contains ‎ lucky money will be given to everyone and some lucky words are said to each other.Everything will overflow with happiness then.‎ ‎    I sincerely hope that you can accept my earnest invitation and can reply to me at your earliest convenience.‎ ‎                                Yours ‎                                Li Hua    聂同学习作 简要点评 该生文章开头点名写信目的：邀请外教Mr. Hall来家里过春节。简明扼要。‎ 中间段表明：邀请外教过来后，我们这边的安排春节的习俗（家人团聚等）以及热闹景象描述了一番。 在语言层面：该生用drive you straight to my house where my brother,sister and grandparents will all be in 用副词straight修饰drive 表示热情，后面用一个定语从句，表示春节家人都在一起团聚的习俗。之后该生用了一个句子Spring Festival plays a significant role in every Chinese’ life ，表明春节在中国人的生活中很重要，所以有各种有趣的活动various activities are indispensable in adding flavor to the festival。用了高级词汇indispensable 以及adding flavor to。‎ 然后是支撑句：‎ 支撑句1 We’ll have a big feast together,gathering around the table and praying for next year’s good luck.用非谓语动词 支撑句2 After the meal,a lucky charm and a red pocket which contains lucky money will be given to everyone and some lucky words are said to each other.用定语从句 再一个总结句 Everything will overflow with happiness then.‎ 最后，该生在文章结尾提出希望：真诚希望外教接受邀请以及希望得到外教的回复。‎ ‎      该生完全完成了试题规定的任务；文章覆盖了所有内容要点。‎ 我们可以看出，该生的表达很符合逻辑，表述清晰，语言基本功扎实，应用了较多的语法结构和词汇.能使用较复杂结构或较高级词汇，具备较强的语言运用能力。属于第五档次，建议得分12分。‎ 优秀学生现场作文2‎ Dear Mr. Hall,‎ ‎     Hearing that you won't go back this Spring Festival, I'm more than honored to invite you to spend it with my family.‎ ‎  If it is convenient to you, come to join us on the Spring Festival evening at 6o'clock, we'll offer you some traditional activities. First, we'll have some Chinese cuisine, like dumplings and noodles. For the next,firework will be played in the starry sky. Then my grandparents will tell some folk tales, dating back to ancient China. Alongside my parents, you'll be bound to leave a memorable impression.‎ ‎ Here are my profound thanks！Looking forward to your coming! ‎ ‎                                                Yours,‎ ‎                                                 Lihua ‎                                                洪同学习作 简要点评 这篇习作格式正确，条理并覆盖了所有内容要点，语言优美。作者具备较强的语言运用能力。‎ 词汇丰富，比如“offer you some traditional activities；  in the starry sky； be bound to leave a memorable impression. 等。‎ 尝试使用较复杂的结构，如：Then my grandparents will tell some folk tales, dating back to ancient China. ‎ 在最后一段profound thanks 建议改为 sincere thanks，更为合理。‎ profound ”深远的“ 一般用来修饰影响、后果。‎ 综上所述，这篇习作的得分可以进入第五档。建议得分12分。‎ 邀请信素材 ‎【篇首句】介绍自己，简要说明活动，并邀请对方。‎ ‎1. I’m Wang Ming from YuWen School，the president of the Student Union.‎ 我是来自育文学校的王明，学生会主席。‎ ‎2. An English speaking contest of our school will be held on August 6.‎ 我们学校有一场英语演讲比赛将在8月6号举行。‎ ‎3. There will be a party in my garden on Sunday.‎ 周日，在我的花园里会举行一场聚会。‎ ‎4. I’d like to invite you to judge it.‎ 我想邀请你做它的裁判。‎ ‎5. I’m writing to invite you to...‎ 我写信是邀请你......‎ ‎6. I wonder if you can come to...‎ 我想知道你是否能来......‎ ‎7. We sincerely hope you can attend it.‎ 我们真诚希望你能够参加。‎ ‎8. It’s my pleasure/a great honour for me to invite you to...‎ 我很荣幸的邀请你......‎ ‎9. It’s a pity that you have to go back to America soon. So a farewell party for you will be held in the Sun Club this Saturday evening. Could you come at 6:00 pm?‎ 很遗憾你不久就要回美国了。所以，这周六，在阳光俱乐部我们会为你举行一个欢送会。下午六点你能来吗？‎ ‎【篇中句】介绍活动具体内容，并说明受邀人参加理由。‎ ‎1. It will begin at 2:00 pm and last two hours, during which time 15 well-prepared contestants will deliver their speeches.‎ 它将于下午两点钟开始，四点钟结束，在此期间将会有十五位准备充分的参赛者发表演讲。‎ ‎2. We will start at 8:00 am and arrive there at 9:00.‎ 我们将会在上午八点出发，九点到达那里。‎ ‎3. During the afternoon, we’ll...together.‎ 下午，我们会一起......‎ ‎4. Remember to take water and lunch with you.‎ 记得带上水和午餐。‎ ‎5. By the way, you may take Bus No. 322 in front of your apartment and it will take you directly to the club.‎ 顺便说一下，你可以乘坐你家公寓前的322路公交车，它会直接把你带到俱乐部。‎ ‎6. I know you are a native speaker of English and an English teacher, and I, on behalf of our school, sincerely invite you to be part of the contest.‎ 我知道你的母语是英语，还是一个英语老师。我，代表我们学校，真诚的邀请你来比赛现场。‎ ‎7. Since you are so eager to improve your English, it will prove to be a great chance.‎ 既然你如此渴望提高英语，这会是一个很好的机会。‎ ‎8. I’m sure that you will enjoy yourself there.‎ 我保证你在那里会过得很愉快。‎ ‎【篇尾句】期待对方接受邀请，并期待对方尽快回复。‎ ‎1. Will you be available during that time? Please contact me at 1234567 at your earliest convenience.‎ 那期间你有空吗？请方便时尽快给我打电话1234567。‎ ‎2. Would you please let me know as soon as possible if you can accept my invitation?‎ 请尽快告诉我你能否接受我的邀请好吗？‎ ‎3. We will feel much honored if you could come.‎ 如果你能来，我们会非常荣幸。‎ ‎4. We are looking forward to your coming.‎ 我们期待着你的到来。‎ ‎5. I am longing to see you soon.‎ 我期待着尽早见到你。‎ 续写评分标准 第五档 ‎（21-25分）‎ 与所给短文融合度高，与所提供的各段落开头语衔接合理。‎ 内容丰富，应用了5个以上短文中标出的关键词语。‎ 所使用语法结构和词汇丰富、准确，可能有些许错误，但完全不影响意思表达。‎ 有效地使用了词语间的连接成分，所续写短文结构紧凑。‎ 第四档 ‎（16-20分）‎ 与所给短文融合度较高，与所提供的各段落开头语衔接较为合理。‎ 内容比较丰富，应用了5个以上短文中标出的关键词语。‎ 所使用语法结构和词汇较为丰富、准确，可能有些许错误，但不影响意思表达。‎ 比较有效地使用了词语间的连接成分，所续写短文结构紧凑。‎ 第三档 ‎（11-15分）‎ 与所给短文关系较为密切，与所提供的各段落开头语有一定程度衔接。‎ 写出了若干有关内容，应用了4个以上短文中标出的关键词语。‎ 应用语法结构和词汇能满足任务的要求，虽有一些错误，但不影响意思表达。‎ 应用简单的句间连接成分，使全文内容连贯。‎ 第二档 ‎（6-10分）‎ 与所给短文关系有一定关系，与所提供的各段落开头语有一定程度衔接。‎ 写出了一些有关内容，应用了3个以上短文中标出的关键词语。‎ 语法结构单调，词汇项目有限，有些语法结构和词汇方面的错误，影响了意思的表达。‎ 较少使用句间的连接成分，全文内容缺少连贯性。‎ 第一档 ‎（1-5分）‎ 与所给短文和开头语衔接较差。‎ 产出内容太少，很少使用短文中标出的关键词语。‎ 语法结构单调，词汇项目很有限，有较多语法结构和词汇方面的错误，严重影响了意思的表达。‎ 缺乏句间的连接成分，全文内容不连贯。‎ ‎0分 白卷，内容太少无法评判或所写内容与所提供内容无关。‎ 读后续写题目（2017、11、3）‎ 第二节  读后续写（满分25分） 阅读下面短文，根据所给情节进行续写，使之构成一个完整的故事。‎ A vacation with my mother ‎   I had an interesting childhood: It was filled with surprise and amusements, all because of my mother-loving, sweet, and yet absent-minded and forgetful. One strange family trip we took when I was eleven tells a lot about her.‎ ‎   My two sets of grandparents lived in Colorado and North Dakota, and my parents decided to spend a few weeks driving to those states and seeing all the sights along the way. As the first day of our trip approached, David, my eight-year-old brother, and I unwillingly said good-bye to all of our friends. Who knew if we’d ever see them again? Finally, the moment of our departure arrived, and we loaded suitcases, books, games, camping equipment, and a tent into the car and bravely drove off. We bravely drove off again two hours later after we’d returned home to get the purse and traveler’s checks Mom had forgotten.‎ ‎   David and I were always a little nervous when using gas station bathrooms if Mom was driving while Dad slept:” You stand outside the door and play lookout while I go, and I’ll stand outside the door and play lookout while you go.” I had terrible pictures in my mind: ‎ ‎“Honey, where are the kids?” “What?! Oh, Gosh… I thought they were being awfully quiet.” We were never actually left behind in a strange city, but we weren’t about to take any chances.‎ On the fourth or fifth night, we had trouble finding a hotel with a vacancy. After driving in vain for some time, Mom suddenly got a great idea: Why didn’t we find a house with a likely-looking backyard and ask if we could set up tent there? David and I became nervous. To our great relief, Dad turned down the idea. Mom never could understand our objections.If a strange family showed up on her front doorsteps, Mom would have been delighted. She thinks everyone in the world as asnice as she is. We finally found a vacancy in the next town. ‎ 注意： 1. 所续写短文的词数应为150左右； 2. 应使用5个以上短文中标有下划线的关键词语； 3. 续写部分分为两段，每段开头语已为你写好； 4. 续写完成后，请用下划线标出你所使用的关键词语。 Para1:  The next day we remembered the brand-new tent we had brought with us.‎ Para2:  We drove through several states and saw lots of great sights along the way.‎ 解题思路 ‎1.核心内容解读：‎ 本文主要讲了一个健忘的妈妈的事。‎ 第一段：我的童年很有趣，大部分是因为我的母亲。 她很可爱，有趣，同时也很迷糊，健忘（absent-minded and forgetful）。‎ 第二段：我们准备出游(trip)，然而我和我的弟弟david都不愿意出发，因为下一次再见到我们的朋友们就不知道什么时候了。然而这一天还是到了。我们带上了帐篷，野营设备，出发了。但过了两小时后我们不得不返回家中，因为妈妈忘记带上了钱包等。‎ 第三段：途中我和弟弟去加油站上厕所是我们胆战心惊的事--妈妈开车，爸爸在睡觉。弟弟去厕所我就得在门口放哨，我去厕所弟弟要放哨。我们知道妈妈会说：“Honey, where are the kids?” “What?! Oh, Gosh… I thought they were being awfully quiet.”‎ 第四段：我们出游的第四第五个晚上，我们找不到空缺的酒店，妈妈提议我们到某个人的院子里搭帐篷。我和弟弟都很紧张，还好爸爸否决了这个提议。然而妈妈并不明白为什么我们会反对，若有其他人敲响我们家的门 ，我妈妈一定会非常乐意的。她认为所有人都和她一样nice.终于我们找到了一个空缺。‎ 对今年续写题型的粗浅看法：‎ 今年的续写与以前两次不一样，出现了标题，也不是遇险了。初看文章有些地方情节不太顺畅。比如在第五段，作者表明他们不喜欢用帐篷，可是第六段的段首句说：The next day we remembered the brand-new tent we had brought with us.我们记起了我们已经带来的帐篷。衔接不太自然啊。但这里也就给考生提供了更为广阔的想象空间。怎样更为合理？‎ 本次续写发挥空间比较大。比如续写第一段，说记起了帐篷，那后面我们会围绕帐篷展开一些话题。（当然也可能不这样处理）按照“妈妈”健忘以及好心的性格特点，预测会发生一些有趣的事。估计会产生一些问题，然后这些问题解决了。因为续写第二段段首句表明他们顺利经过几个州，而且沿途欣赏美丽的景色，说明第一段结束的时候，一切进展顺利。 "We drove through several states and saw lots of great sights along the way."‎ 续写第二段段首语，明显画风变了，”saw lots of great sights along the way" 有心情欣赏美景了。之前是令人烦恼的，那么之后是令人快乐的。在优美的景色里，上演他们家人之间美妙的事。这里就需要考生发挥足够的想象力。考虑到文章第一句话I had an interesting childhood，最后一段要不要首尾呼应一下，说明会发生怎样interesting。文章最终体现的主题应该是亲情，是爱。‎ ‎2.写作思路：（仅供参考）‎ 审要求：阅读下面短文，根据所给情节进行续写，使之构成一个完整的故事。明确作文是读后续写。‎ 审体裁：记叙文 审时态：一般过去时 审前文大意以及要点 who: Mum Dad David I when:  when I was eleven where : to Colorado and North Dakota what:  One strange family trip why:to spent a few weeks driving to those states to visit my two sets of grandparents; to see all the sights along the way 审续写所给首句：仔细研读细细题目给出的第一句话，有助于我们编写后续故事时与前文叙述的高度融合。‎ 续写段首1： The next day we remembered the brand-new tent we had brought with us.‎ 抓住段首句设问：‎ Why did they remember the tent?‎ What would they do with the tent?‎ What would happen to the brand-new tent?‎ What would Mum do ?‎ How would they feel ?‎ 续写段首2： We drove through several states and saw lots of great sights along the way.‎ 抓住段首句设问：‎ What sights would they see ? ‎ What did the sights look like?  ‎ What would they do ?‎ What would Mum do ? ‎ At the end of the story , how did they feel ? Why? ‎ ‎3.写作关键点 这次续写可以着重从叙事、心理感受、以及场景等方面入手。根据所给关键词建立情节与内容支架，根据“协同效应”原理，注意语言协同与内容协同。‎ 叙事: forgetful  nice  ‎ 心理变化：annoyed, nervous, relieved, happy ‎ 场景：messy, normal, great ‎4. 写作注意点 融洽性、逻辑性、想象的合理性、时态、书写等 读后续写优秀学生现场作文1‎ Para1: The next day we remembered the brand-new tent we had brought with us. Mom insisted that we must make full use of it since we had brought it. David and I looked at Dad, hoping he could stop her crazy idea. To our great disappointment, he agreed. We spent a whole afternoon seeking a nicecamping place and set up our tent before the night fell. It was the first time that I had thought mom could be wise as I admiring our stunning tent. “Oh, I forgot the pillows!” what a misconception. Despite the ache of my neck, we had some great nights.‎ Para1: We drove through several states and saw lots of great sights along the way. The bright blue sky, the limitless green grass, the group of sheep, the setting sun and the countless stars in the curtain of nights kept me spellbound. Not only did we see the picturesque scenery, we also managed to consider mom’s scandals as a kind of fun.I reaaly love my Mum.‎ ‎ To our relief, we arrived at grandparents’ place and went back to our home with all of four people. It was so fortunate to see my friends again.  余同学习作 习作点评 这篇文章的构思很好。第一段的第二句话与第一句话衔接自然 Mom insisted that we must make full use of it since we had brought it.他们记起了新买的帐篷，母亲坚持要好好利用帐篷。之后他们玩得很好，直到晚上，健忘的妈妈忘记带枕头了。这里就体现了这个可爱的妈妈的特性。不过第一段最后作者话锋一转，说睡得很好，这样就顺接到了续写第二段段首句的表达。情节设计合情合理。‎ 续写第二段的第二句话描写了美丽的景观，文字简洁，但表现极为丰富The bright blue sky, the limitless green grass, the group of sheep, the setting sun and the countless stars in the curtain of nights kept me spellbound.‎ 在这种美好的景色里，我们心情很好，妈妈的那些事儿都不是事儿，还蛮开心的。Not only did we see the picturesque scenery, we also managed to consider mom’s scandals as a kind of fun.而且还表达了作者对母亲的爱。‎ 总体评价： 该作文与所给短文融合度高，与所提供的各段落开头语衔接合理。情节合理，内容丰富，细节描写到位，应用了5个以上短文中标出的关键词语。所使用语法结构和词汇丰富、准确，可能有些许错误，但完全不影响意思表达。建议得分23分。‎ 读后续写优秀学生现场作文2‎ Para1: The next day we remembered the brand-new tent we brought with us. We decided to campalong the river throughout the town. The views there were surpassingly beautiful--the warm sunshine, the fresh air, the clean water. We sat on the grass, hooked by the splendid nature. However, when Dad was about to put up our tent, it suddenly hit him that Mom again, had left it completely, as well as the camping equipment in the hotel. Speechlessly, Dad had to go back to fetch them to continue our camping.‎ ‎ Para2:  We drove through several states and saw lots of sights along the way. Every time we got to a new place, Mom would cheer up like a child. Calling out David and I, she got off the car, laughed and danced around. She held our hands in her hands, leading us around the big city, the small town and the nice nature. When we came back to the hotel after the tiring but excellent visit, she would hug us and kiss us on our faces. How sweet she was! Absent-minded and forgetful as she was, she never forgot to express her love to us.  李同学提供习作 ‎                                                                                                  ‎ 习作点评 全文叙述有条理，发挥自然，想象力丰富，衔接合理.‎ 该生的细节描写很形象，如 Mom would cheer up like a child. Calling out David and I, she got off the car, laughed and danced around. She held our hands in her hands, leading us around the big city, the small town and the nice nature.妈妈像一个孩子一样地开心，拉着我们的手去游玩。‎ 情节合理：‎ ‎ 设计的续写第一段情节是妈妈把帐篷等东西忘在了旅馆，然后去拿，如果忘在家里就不太合理了。但这里还是可以解释的。第二段重点描述开心快乐的氛围，体现浓浓的家人之间的爱。用具体的动作描写，很好。形象生动，人物形象饱满。‎ 情感态度方面也表现得不错：When we came back to the hotel after the tiring but excellent visit, she would hug us and kiss us on our faces. How sweet she was! Absent-minded and forgetful as she was, she never forgot to express her love to us.不管怎样， 妈妈还是妈妈，都是爱妈妈的。‎ 文章内容与原文紧密相连，环环相扣。语言功底深厚。建议得分22分。--  Carrie Wang ‎ 读后续写优秀学生现场作文3‎ Para1: The next day we remembered the brand-new tent we brought with us. That night we set up our tent in a park. The moon was held up above the sky, shining her smooth and charming moonlight. Twinkle stars blinking, fragrant breeze gently stroked my head, as if comforting all the tiredness along the trip. The next day, Dad brought us to the car and asked me to clear all the things away.  Not long after we came back to the car, Mom arrived, then we continued our trip.‎ ‎ Para2:We drove through several states and saw lots of sights along the way. I was still recalling the splendid scenery when we were in the living room of my grandparents'. David excitedly narrated our experience, eyes blazing with enthusiasm. Worries came to his forehead when he explained the trouble. A smile lifted the corner of his mouth when it came to camping. Suddenly Mom shouted out in a strange voice. Haunted by a strong sense of horror, I heard Mom screaming "I forgot the tent!"  林同学习作 习作点评 本习作充分利用下划线构建了与上文合情合理的情节结构，衔接自然。‎ 情节设计: 该生续写第一段设计的情节与其他人不一样。第一段描述如何快乐游玩。母亲的健忘体现在第二段，而且是最后一句，Haunted by a strong sense of horror, I heard Mom screaming "I forgot the tent!" 她忘记带帐篷了，戛然而止，充分体现母亲健忘这一特点。也体现了这次旅行令人难忘。构思巧妙。‎ 细节描写很精彩：The moon was held up above the sky, shining her smooth and charming moonlight. Twinkle stars blinking, fragrant breeze gently stroked my head, as if comforting all the tiredness along the trip.细节景色描写。‎ David excitedly narrated our experience, eyes blazing with enthusiasm. Worries came to his forehead when he explained the trouble. A smile lifted the corner of his mouth when it came to camping.人物神态细节描写。‎ 整篇文章表述流畅，融洽度高，情节设计巧妙，有趣俏皮，兼顾首尾呼应，细节描写传神，建议得分22分。‎ ‎ --  Carrie Wang 点评 读后续写优秀学生现场作文 4‎ Para1:The next day we remembered the brand-new tent we brought with us. We were happy to see it still packed, and hoped it would be packed forever. However, things came to its turning point. Mom lost Dad in the gas station when we were sleeping. What’s worse, as the dark approached, we met the same trouble again. Brave as Mom was, she decided to camp near the road waiting for Dad. The wind cried widely like a monster. Tear took control of us. Mum embraced us tightly singing a smooth song, which really released us. We didn’t met Dad in the last few days, but we felt comfortable staying with Mom.‎ Para1: We drove through several states and saw lots of sights along the way. The tent became a closer friend then. Every time we camped, Mom would read a book or sing a soft song. The warmth of her arm never faded away in my memory. Though she was forgetful,laughter accompanied us along the way. We finally met poor Dad in our destination. This trip made me realize that love may have many ways, but it can always warm people in the dark. 秀同学习作 ‎ 习作点评 本习作充分利用下划线构建了与上文合情合理的情节结构，衔接自然。‎ 情节设计:粗心的妈妈把爸爸弄丢在加油站了。后来妈妈带着他们玩，妈妈的爱抚慰着孩子。爸爸赶上了他们与他们会合。最终很有爱的结局。‎ 细节描写很精彩：爸爸没有在的时候，悲伤的心情：The wind cried widely like a monster. Tear took control of us. ‎ 妈妈的爱：Mum embraced us tightly singing a smooth song, which really released us.‎ ‎ Every time we camped, Mom would read a book or sing a soft song. The warmth of her arm never faded away in my memory.‎ ‎ 整篇文章表述流畅，融洽度高，情节设计巧妙，虽然在开始设计情节时，把爸爸丢了，感觉不太合理，可后面她能很好的收回。而且细节描写非常传神，建议得分22分。‎ 环境描写的素材 ‎ 环境描写分为客观和主观两种角度：客观为从环境事物本身入手，主观则从观察者角度描写。通常在描写时主客观交替进行，主观描写比重稍大。‎ 客观环境描写：‎ Part 1 环境描写的adj要求：有声，有色，有质感，有味道 the blue sky; the songs of birds; the thundering clouds; the flowers; the dark,raining evening ‎ the green grass  the fragrant roses, the setting sun…‎ Part 2 环境描写的verb （vi&vt）要求 一．Wind （blow/click/howl/wail/roar）‎ ‎1.A gust of wind blew and parted the drooping branches of the weeping willow like a curtain,…‎ ‎2.The wind, soft and cold, clicked through tree branches and stirred the bushes that sprinkled the slope.‎ ‎3.A cool breeze blew through the park.‎ ‎4.A cold breeze wafted through my hair. The wind was perfect for kite flying, blowing just hard enough to give some lift, make the sweeps easier.‎ 二．Water (flow/travel/move/meander/enter)‎ ‎1.And from below, the faint sound of water tumbling through the valley.(sound)‎ ‎2.The water was a deep blue and sunlight glittered on its looking glass-clear surface.(colour)‎ ‎3.A little way off was a small brook, rushing and sparkling along between green banks, and murmuring in a voice very grateful to a little girl who had lived so long on the dry, gray prairies.(action, sound, colour)‎ 三．Sky (stand/ appear/turn)‎ ‎1.the sky was a curdled gray burdened with lumps of clouds.‎ ‎2.Blue skies stood tall and far, the sun like ;a branding iron searing the back of your neck 主观环境描写：‎ ‎1.Sb found sth adj/doing/done ‎ ‎2.Sb saw/heard/felt/smelt sth doing/done ‎3.It was so adj that we find/feel ‎ ‎4.Sth kept sb spellbound/amazed/      sth held sb entirely in their power ‎5.It looked/seemed/appeared/felt like …‎ 场景描写的素材（来自原著：追风筝的人）‎ ‎1. At least two dozen kites already hung in the sky, like paper sharks roaming for prey. Within an hour, the number doubled, and red, blue, and yellow kites glided and spun in the sky. A cold breeze wafted through my hair. The wind was perfect for kite flying, blowing just hard enough to give some lift, make the sweeps easier. （放风筝的场景描写，从各个角度，立体描述）‎ ‎2. The water was a deep blue and sunlight glittered on its looking glass-clear surface.‎ ‎3. Then I glanced up and saw a pair of kites, red with long blue tails, soaring in the sky. They danced high above the trees on the west end of the park, over the windmills, floating side by side like a pair of eyes looking down on San Francisco, the city I now call home. （场景、比喻）‎ ‎4. Blue skies stood tall and far, the sun like a branding iron searing the back of your neck. Creeks where Hassan and I skipped stones all spring turned dry, and rickshaws stirred dust when they sputtered by.（场景、比喻） ‎ ‎5. Somewhere, a branch snapped, an owl hooted. The wind, soft and cold, clicked through tree branches and stirred the bushes that sprinkled the slope. And from below, the faint sound of water tumbling through the valley.‎ ‎6. By three o'clock, the rain had stopped and the sky was a curdled gray burdened with lumps of clouds. A cool breeze blew through the park.（天气） ‎ ‎7. 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